Do you ever regret not saying something to someone who died?

My Dad died on August 24th, suddenly and unexpectedly aged 81.

Frankly, I’d always thought that I’d have some last words to say to him before he went. In fact, I was sure that there would be something or other that I’d have left unsaid. Yet, now that the time has come in fact I find that I can’t think of anything that I should have said which seems a little odd to be honest. How come? Well, we’ve always spoke over the years and if anything probably that little bit more in the past few. So, he knew broadly what I’d be doing in the years to come (or at least as much as I know myself). He knew that Mum, me and his grandchildren loved him and that he’d be missed when he went.

Actually, that being missed bit is a little odd at the moment. I find that I’m not missing him for me but rather for his grandchildren. He’d had a full life of being Daddy to me but, sadly, only got to be Granda for just over six years. I know that he’d never have lived to see them graduating from university but it’s nice to know that he was able to be there for James’ first day at school and he’d expect nothing less than that he would one day be graduating in whatever subject interested him at that time. Actually, that’s not quite true because, as with me, he only ever wanted them to do whatever they wanted to do in terms of education; he felt his job was to provide whatever resources that were necessary to enable me to achieve my objectives.

As with my Nanny almost 20 years back, I’ve very much made a point of not considering him as dead but rather as living somewhere that we never quite manage to get around to visiting. I’m sure that’s a totally crap way of dealing with it in terms of closure but it’s worked really well for me with both my Nanny and my Dad’s brother John. I know that some people feel the need to see an actual dead body to say goodbye to but I much prefer to maintain my little illusion and therefore anyone expecting an open coffin was disappointed.

Anyway, whilst I didn’t have the opportunity to say any last words before he left us, I can’t think of anything that I needed to say to him. Is that strange?

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